Look At This Fucking Idea For A Blog-To-Book Deal

Random Quotes That Could Plausibly Be About "The Human Centipede"

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 16:01:44 -0400

“The logistics behind this would be an absolute nightmare, but I would not be surprised if this eventually goes into place for coach passengers.”

Hat tip to Joe Reid.

Things You Can Yell After You've Already Released The Kraken

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 09:10:32 -0400

“Release the crackers!”
“Release the Dokken!”
“Release the knickers!”
“Release the Fichtner!”
“Release the chicken!”
“Release the tickles!”
“Release the Heckerling!”
“Release the vacuum!”
“Release the wiccan!”
“Release the Packers!”
“Release Slim Pickens!”
“Release the gherkin!”
“Release the Jergens!”

I Hate Him. He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 07:07:26 -0400

Hat tips to Pamie and TheeErin

Road Signs For Carol

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 06:58:42 -0400

From The Fictional Desk Of

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 10:00:00 -0400

Hat tip to Pamie.

Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Fruit Preserves

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 08:08:58 -0400

Stereotyping People By Their Favourite Canned Bean

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:59:00 -0400

Kidney: You still wet your bed

Baked (with pork): You have a shoe fetish

Black: You brush your teeth too hard/have receding gums

Pinto: You are very responsible about contributing to your 401K

Garbanzo (a.k.a. “Chickpeas”): You get really bad coffee breath

Baked (vegetarian): You’re functionally illiterate

Lima: You tell people your best friend is your mother

Refried: You give money to buskers — even crappy ones

Yankee: You’re that guy from that one Seinfeld who dated Elaine and then had a stroke

Green: You’re scared of fresh vegetables

Sting's Wandering Beard

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 10:00:00 -0400

First Draft Propaganda Posters

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:51:29 -0500

Will Shortz Facts

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:29:00 -0500

Will Shortz is so confident, he even did his SAT with a ballpoint pen.
When Will Shortz does a Sudoku, each line doesn’t add up to 9: it adds up to infinity.
The theme for EVERY Will Shortz crossword puzzle is “KICKINGASS.”
A picture’s worth a thousand words. A picture of Will Shortz is worth a thousand words that only contain vowels.
Will Shortz starts out easy but as the week goes on, he gets real hard.

Animal Detectives!

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 08:49:59 -0500

Celebrity Bucket Lists

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:45:29 -0500

~~Sell out Radio City Music Hall~~
~~Bleed onstage at the MTV VMAs~~
~~Kill a True Blood star in a video~~
~~Perform live for the Queen of England~~
~~Pose in a strap-on for a magazine cover~~
Complete a solo skydive
Appear as a panelist on The Marriage Ref
Read the complete J.R.R. Tolkien bibliography
Master conversational Dutch
Finish a 72-oz steak (and fixins)
~~Get a job at Polaroid~~

- Lady Gaga

Overextended Brands

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:39:56 -0500

Fuck My Lent

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 10:08:00 -0500

Today, I was driving on the highway in the middle of nowhere when my rear left tire blew out. Night was starting to fall so with no other cars to be seen, I thought I’d better get in touch with triple-A. Too bad I made a promise to the Lord that I wouldn’t use my cell phone again until Easter Sunday. FMLent

I agree, your Lent sucks (42) - It’s nothing compared to the suffering of Jesus on the cross (3690)

Gone Fishing But Here's Star Wars Farts

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 09:08:00 -0500

We’re offline for a short spell so here’s a link to a 1999 project of ours that’s very FBDesque — Star Wars Farts.

If you enjoy FBD please spread the word on Tumblr, blogs, Facebook, Twitter and tell your mom about it over the telephone. Thanks for reading!

Dog Says What?

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 10:00:00 -0500

Rejected Improv Everywhere "Missions"

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:21:37 -0500

The No Eyeglasses Bus Ride
Swarming The Smart Car
Best Job Interview Ever!
Hijacking The Semi Full Of Bud Light
Central Park Komodo Dragon Adoption Fair
Best Social Services Home Visit Ever!
Subway Eyebrow Waxer
Museum Of Natural History Caveman Flash Mob
Best Pap Smear Ever!

OH NO! Expired Coupon!

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 09:52:08 -0500

I Eat The Worst Fruits

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:03:07 -0500

I thought it might make sense to branch out in the fruit department from my usual apples, oranges, and bananas; going exotic seemed like it might be an interesting experiment. But then I brought home this thing that was absolutely COVERED in fur, and once I got past the pelt…well, it was a pretty underwhelming blend of flesh and seeds that resembled nothing so much as a flavorless strawberry. And THEN when I started asking around about it, turns out most people don’t even EAT the fur? What was I thinking?!

Farts of the Crimean War

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 12:00:00 -0500